February, 20, 2012 was the estimated due date of my first pregnancy. You know, the one we finally achieved after more than a year of trying, during my second Clomid cycle. J planned a vacation, so that at least we’d be busy sunning ourselves in a tropical location while the date passed. And the date itself didn’t affect me as much as I expected. I’ve been living with this particular kind of grief for more than half a year now. February 20 came and went. As we were killing several hours in the airport, waiting to return from the aforementioned vacation, it did occur to me that if everything had been different, we might be bringing a baby home from the hospital right then, instead of eating gross fast food breakfast items in the airport food court. But I held it together.
And I continue to hold it together. There was a particularly bad moment, when I signed into Baby Center for the first time since we lost the first pregnancy. You’re wondering why on earth I would do such a thing, but I’ve recently discovered that there are some really helpful groups on that site of women in similar situations to mine, so I wanted to join them (and I’ve since connected with one very kind woman who is in her 30th week of a healthy pregnancy(!) after two early losses similar to mine). However, even before I could worry about dodging the baby photos and searching for the relevant discussion groups, I was hit with my own profile, which announced that I was the mother of a one-week-old baby…. and offered me tips on breast-feeding. It took me a solid five minutes to figure out how to delete the “living children” portion of my profile. But still, I held it together.
And in general, I am. Holding it together, that is. I’m ok. Sad, overwhelmed, filled with anxiety about the future. But ok for now. What scares me most is the not knowing. If I could know, without a doubt, that one day I would have a pregnancy that lasts and that J and I would bring home a baby, I think I could get through almost anything at this point. Maybe even another miscarriage, though typing those words is pretty terrifying. It’s the not knowing that is responsible for my darkest moments.
Meanwhile, I’ve decided to start a weekly list (maybe on Fridays) of things I’m grateful for at the moment…. since it’s been a struggle to remember those things lately. I’ve seen this done on some blogs (entirely outside of the ALI sphere, of course), where it seems that their sole purpose is to broadcast the details of the writers’ awesomer-than-yours lives. There’s probably no way that my lists could come across that way even if I wanted them to, but just in case, that is not at all my intent. I’m just looking for a concrete way to remember the things I have to be grateful for, at a time when my natural inclination is to rail against all of the things in my life for which I am least grateful. I imagine that there will be just one or two items on this list some weeks, but I’ll do my best.