2000/2001 (my years were school years back then) wasn’t a great year. Both my grandfathers died. I was incorrectly diagnosed with a brain tumor (it was actually an imperfection in the film). I was correctly diagnosed with both Chiari Malformation and Compensated Hydrocephalus, neither of which resulted in any medical problems or treatment, but I spent a year in uncertainty following the diagnoses.
That’s the last really bad year I can remember. I’ve had not-so-hot years, blah years, treading water years, but no really bad years. Until 2011. I know many of you spent worse 2011s than I did and I have nothing but compassion for the stories I’ve read on your blogs.
For me (for now), 2011 wins my worst year award:
- May/June: My grandma goes into the hospital with excrutiating back pain and bounces between the hospital and rehab for 6 weeks
- June 15: First ever positive pregnancy test after more than a year of trying
- July 20: Miscarriage diagnosed
- July 21/22: Miscarriage via two rounds of Misoprostal
- August 14: J moves to New York for school and we start living apart during the week
- August 29: Roommate (my first in almost 10 years) moves in
- September 2: My mom has double hip replacement surgery followed by two blood transfusions and a week of residential physical therapy
- October 28: Positive pregnancy test after just one month of trying
- November 21: Roommate’s boyfriend arrives
- December 3: Miscarriage diagnosed in ER
- December 6/7: Miscarry naturally at home
- December 14: Roommate’s boyfriend leaves
- December 15: Roommate moves out
Unsurprisingly, then, I was anxious for a new year. I want 2012 to be our year, finally. I desperately want a third pregnancy and this time, one that lasts. But 2011 taught me that the control isn’t mine. It doesn’t matter how badly I want this; it will either happen or it won’t, all on its own.
So as a compulsive list-maker and goal-setter, I haven’t known what to do with these first few days of 2012. How do I start fresh with something over which I have no control? No matter how carefully I lay out my 2012 goals, there is nothing I can do to bring us closer to them. After eagerly anticipating this new year, I haven’t done much with it yet. I’ve been reading a lot, trying to enjoy our month-long stay in this tiny cottage overlooking the lake, beginning to wrap up my last month in my current job.
We have our first appointment with a new RE on January 13 (Friday, by the way…. I refuse to read into that). We’re hoping to demand a battery of tests that doctors have been refusing us thus far in favor of just telling us to keep trying. I want as much testing as possible before we just try again; if there is something identifiable causing me to miscarry, I need to know what it is and determine whether there’s anything we can do about it. And if not, then we’ll steel ourselves and try again.
So hello, 2012. No exclamation points. No huge expectations. I’ll just try to step into you quietly and with hope.